The 4B movement exploded into the public consciousness online. But is women's abstinence a way of reclaiming “girl power” after losing our rights, or a distraction from it?
Yes, so much to quote! Just one: "But a collective feeling isn’t the same as collective action."
This (and the other trends mentioned) reminds me of "I did a thing." Usually, the thing is just being a human being with a cute quirk associated with it. Everything seems so hyped up with little substance to fuel it, and maybe this is what social media has brought us, the ease of being a part of a collective. What a blessing, what a curse.
In all fairness, the 4B movement wouldn't be revolutionary to me because I'm pan, polyam, and married to a man who shares my ideals.
But no matter relationship status and/or sexual orientation, vetting our dates better and keeping boundaries intact should always be... "a thing." Sorry, had to.
My understanding is that 4B isn’t saying women have to be abstinent:
+ they are more than welcome to have relationships with women (and thankfully, women’s sexuality is way more fluid than men’s);
+ women are also allowed to have sex with themselves (the sex toy industry is already taking note)
It’s more about de-centering men and creating fulfilling lives - that includes plenty of sex, if that’s what women want! - without them.
Burned Haystack Dating Method has over 100,000 women & non-binary people in the FB group, and 4B is a big topic there. Would be keen to hear your take on BHDM and B2B and how you see it relating to sex/dating.
I loved reading this and really admire how clear and politically precise your writing is! So many great insights in this post, but I especially liked this: “I worry that abstaining—or simply talking about abstaining—under the label of 4B gives women the illusion of participating in a radical feminist movement, when all it really amounts to in the U.S. is an individual lifestyle choice.”
Great column! I never heard of 4B until I read about it in your column, but I think your analysis of the movement in the US is spot on. As is your skewer of social media - I feel lucky that I can live my life with minimal contact. (One of the few advantages to being old).
You absolutely CANNOT convince me that anyone doing "4B" was having any fun whatsoever with dating to begin with. For some reason that I still don't understand, covid lockdowns ruined whatever didn't already suck about dating.
Such a great read! This touched on so many of my thoughts on the "movement" (I hesitate to call it such) and its lack of substance in the States.
And it makes me feel some type of way that the original movement in South Korea actually gives up completely on changing men's perspective, in contrast to the American 4B mission to use sex as a tactic to change men who voted for Trump.
And besides it not being effective as a demonstration form, I don't think it's accessible. Sex workers can't abstain, and a sex strike won't stop men who chant "Your body, my choice".
“Screaming into the void” is something that offers many opportunities for exploitation if not monetization.
“Screaming into the void” may be more than purging or venting. It is a cry for help. But what are our tools for helping even if we work har to purge ourselves of those impulses and instincts that lure us to exploit and dominate?
I think these are “spiritual” questions that may have nothing to do with (and perhaps may EVEN be fatally vulnerable to) most representations of anything “supernatural”.
Yes, so much to quote! Just one: "But a collective feeling isn’t the same as collective action."
This (and the other trends mentioned) reminds me of "I did a thing." Usually, the thing is just being a human being with a cute quirk associated with it. Everything seems so hyped up with little substance to fuel it, and maybe this is what social media has brought us, the ease of being a part of a collective. What a blessing, what a curse.
In all fairness, the 4B movement wouldn't be revolutionary to me because I'm pan, polyam, and married to a man who shares my ideals.
But no matter relationship status and/or sexual orientation, vetting our dates better and keeping boundaries intact should always be... "a thing." Sorry, had to.
Great post. Thank you.
Some thought-provoking writing - love it!
My understanding is that 4B isn’t saying women have to be abstinent:
+ they are more than welcome to have relationships with women (and thankfully, women’s sexuality is way more fluid than men’s);
+ women are also allowed to have sex with themselves (the sex toy industry is already taking note)
It’s more about de-centering men and creating fulfilling lives - that includes plenty of sex, if that’s what women want! - without them.
Burned Haystack Dating Method has over 100,000 women & non-binary people in the FB group, and 4B is a big topic there. Would be keen to hear your take on BHDM and B2B and how you see it relating to sex/dating.
I loved reading this and really admire how clear and politically precise your writing is! So many great insights in this post, but I especially liked this: “I worry that abstaining—or simply talking about abstaining—under the label of 4B gives women the illusion of participating in a radical feminist movement, when all it really amounts to in the U.S. is an individual lifestyle choice.”
Great column! I never heard of 4B until I read about it in your column, but I think your analysis of the movement in the US is spot on. As is your skewer of social media - I feel lucky that I can live my life with minimal contact. (One of the few advantages to being old).
Gollllly I want to quote-share so much of this.
We need more love, not less. I’m sharing mine, if anyone wants a counternarrative 🫠
You absolutely CANNOT convince me that anyone doing "4B" was having any fun whatsoever with dating to begin with. For some reason that I still don't understand, covid lockdowns ruined whatever didn't already suck about dating.
Great post! I especially love the last paragraph. There is way too much void screaming and not enough political action. 🤩🤩🤩
Damn, so many good points!! This was an excellent piece, found myself nodding in agreement the whole time.
Thank you for this!! Those are my thoughts exactly.
oh i cannot wait to read this. another banger!!!!
Such a great read! This touched on so many of my thoughts on the "movement" (I hesitate to call it such) and its lack of substance in the States.
And it makes me feel some type of way that the original movement in South Korea actually gives up completely on changing men's perspective, in contrast to the American 4B mission to use sex as a tactic to change men who voted for Trump.
And besides it not being effective as a demonstration form, I don't think it's accessible. Sex workers can't abstain, and a sex strike won't stop men who chant "Your body, my choice".
“Screaming into the void” is something that offers many opportunities for exploitation if not monetization.
“Screaming into the void” may be more than purging or venting. It is a cry for help. But what are our tools for helping even if we work har to purge ourselves of those impulses and instincts that lure us to exploit and dominate?
I think these are “spiritual” questions that may have nothing to do with (and perhaps may EVEN be fatally vulnerable to) most representations of anything “supernatural”.
Yes it is. Supply, demand.
Well, we do in fact live in an era of cheap and easily gotten contraceptives, as well as "morning-after" pills.
I remember how fast 'Don't iron while the strike is hot' faded and wonder is 4B not 2B either?