How do I navigate a threesome?
Camille answers a reader’s question about how to bring a third into the bedroom—without blowing up your relationship
Hi guys, back to you today with some advice about threesomes. HEADS UP: I talk about my personal sex life in this piece, so if you’re related to me, abandon ship!! You can submit your questions for the next column HERE.
How do I navigate a threesome?
My boyfriend (male, 22 years old) is really into the idea of a threesome (with a man or a woman, he doesn't seem to have a preference). I (female, 21 years old) don’t have any immediate objections to the idea but am slightly worried it will change our dynamic (we have a super trusting, up-front, overall amazing relationship). Neither of us have ever slept with anyone else, and we’re both bisexual and decently sexually adventurous. What is the best way to navigate a potential threesome?
Signed,
Tri-Curious
Dear Tri-Curious,
When I started having threesomes with my partner, I was worried that it would shift the tenor of our relationship—or that, watching him with her, something in me would snap. My worst-case scenario? Sitting on the sidelines while the action unfolded, then suddenly having to yell “STOP!” and surrender my Cool Girlfriend badge on the spot.
Thankfully, that didn’t happen. But it did present its own set of emotional challenges. So in this piece, I’ll share some questions you should ask before bringing someone else in, how to handle the inevitable feelings that come up, and what made the experience work (and not work) for me.
First of all, talk to your partner about what you both want from a threesome. What would the best case scenario look like for you? What turns you on, and what would be hard to witness? Are there any acts that feel too intimate to share? Would you prefer this to be a one-time thing, or something ongoing?
The conversation can be flirty—talking about what’s sexy about fucking someone else is sexy—but don’t shy away from the nitty-gritty, because talking now is what helps keep you both feeling secure and emotionally safe in the moment. It also gives you a chance to understand what this dynamic means to each of you, because sometimes couples eroticize different parts of the fantasy. If that’s the case, it’s better to find out now so you can find the overlap between your desires, and pursue this in a way where both people get their needs met.
A great piece of advice from Dan Savage—which I personally followed—is to set your boundaries in advance, and don’t renegotiate them mid-threesome. For example, maybe you’re okay with everything except penetrative sex. The point isn’t necessarily to stop that specific act from ever happening—it’s to give your partner an opportunity to demonstrate that they can prioritize your emotional comfort in an intense, sexually charged scenario. Doing this builds a sense of trust, and over time, you might feel so secure that those boundaries aren’t even necessary.
Also: Don’t forget about your special guest star! What do they want? What are their limits? You and your partner will naturally prioritize each other, so be intentional about making the third feel included and cared for. Ideally, everyone is looking out for everyone else.