The Pleasure-Seeking Loveline ♡
Camille answers your questions, from AI girlfriends to semen allergies and how to reawaken your desire
Welcome to the Pleasure-Seeking Loveline, my new Q&A-style advice column. I’m so excited to talk to you guys directly, and am beyond grateful to the many people who submitted queries about all things love, sex, and desire. This installment features questions about reawakening desire, AI relationships, and what to do if you’re allergic to your boyfriend’s semen.
In addition to the written advice column, I’ve filmed two video podcasts where I address your questions with special guests—so if you don’t see an answer to your question here today, that doesn’t mean it’s not coming! I’ll need new questions to answer soon, so please submit your queries anonymously. Going forward, I’ll plan to answer them once a month. ♡
How do I awaken my own desire?
Do you have any words on rousing desire again? I left a long relationship with sex so bad I thought there was something wrong with me. I can laugh about it now, but the past year I haven't felt anything sexually. Maybe that’s too heavy for an answer, but I think my situation is silly & annoyingly impossible to deal with. I’d like to know how to find romance in things after everything.
-Kyle, 18, f (?)
Hey Kyle,
If I had you here with me, I’d be curious if you felt pressured to have sex with your former partner—whether based on their romantic advances or your own internalized desire to please them. The pressure could even be as simple as what’s driving you to ask this question: the suspicion that you should be feeling differently than you do and that there might be something wrong with you as a result.
I could be projecting here, but since you said you were having bad sex—and not no sex—it sounds like you were prioritizing someone else’s experience over your own. This can make it really hard to get in touch with your own desires. I’m saying “you,” but I really mean me because this is something I’ve struggled with in the past. At one point, I was even in a relationship with a man so bad in bed I was convinced I was asexual. Me! Asexual! I know!
Desire works in mysterious ways—but if you want to experience more of it, I’d start with accepting its absence. Even with no partner in the picture, it sounds like you’re experiencing an internal pressure to prove that you’re normal, if only to yourself. But if you can accept when you aren’t feeling desire, you’ll be better equipped to notice when you do.
You’re young, and life is long. While you may not want sex right now, I’m certain you want a lot of other things! Pursue those for now, and give yourself permission to feel however you do about sex without judgment. You know that saying, “A watched pot never boils”? You can see where I’m heading with this.
I’d also recommend exploring other forms of physical pleasure to reconnect with your body on your own terms. Take a bubble bath, get a massage if you can, masturbate, or—if you’re feeling really daring—make a pledge not to masturbate for a specific window of time. This sounds silly, but reverse psychology is a powerful thing, and sometimes, the harder you try to feel something, the more elusive that experience becomes. This is especially true of desire, which is fickle in the best of times—but there’s a reason we want what we can’t have!
After months or maybe years of bad sex, it makes sense that you wouldn’t be chomping at the bit. Our bodies hold strong physical associations, and your last sexual experiences sound really fraught. It’s scary to think that your lack of desire might be permanent, but I promise you it’s not—because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about desire, it’s that it surfaces when we least expect it.
Help! I’m allergic to my boyfriend’s semen!
I recently I discovered I have a semen allergy. It’s characterized by an intense swelling and burning sensation localized only from my vagina to my inner labia (I do not experience this sensation on orally or on skin). Apparently it’s a rare condition affecting only 8% of women and my doctor said she’ll likely never see another case in her career. Her treatment plan for me involves exposure therapy: taking a Benadryl a half-hour before sex and having my boyfriend ejaculate inside me as many times as possible (she prescribed multiple times a week).
When I asked how this would affect conception later down the line, she said that of course I could still conceive, it would just be painful or irritating, which is why she prescribed the exposure therapy for hopeful long-term treatment. I’m really angry and irritated with my own body for fighting with me all the time, while I’m happy my boyfriend is helping me, I also resent him for how pleasurable this trial will be for him. How do I deal with my vagina being a testing ground that can offer my boyfriend intense sexual gratification (as prescribed) multiple times a week while I deal with the discomfort brought on by it?
Sincerely,
Itchy & Annoyed
Dear Itchy & Annoyed,
Girl, I feel for you so deeply that I’m not even gonna make a joke about being prescribed Vitamin D. I’m not a doctor (shocking, I know), so I’m going to approach this question with an eye toward maintaining a positive relationship with your own sexuality and desire, which is a perspective often left out by the medical establishment.
My first question is an obvious one: Can you use condoms? If this is an option, I personally think it’s a small price to pay for pain-free sex (and if your boyfriend has a problem with it, send him my way—we’ll have words.) The pull-out method, while not foolproof for preventing pregnancy, might also be effective here.
Another alternative would be to decenter penetrative sex and explore other ways to fulfill both your needs. There is no right or wrong way to have sex, and while I understand wanting to ‘cure’ this condition, having sex that only one party is enjoying is a surefire way to make you feel disconnected from your partner—especially if his pleasure comes at the cost of your own physical well-being.
In your question, you ask how to deal with the resentment you feel toward your boyfriend. But I’d like to gently suggest that maybe this resentment isn’t something to overcome for the sake of the relationship; rather, it could be a message that you are ignoring your own boundaries, or that your needs and limits aren’t being respected. Often, resentment arises from feeling of hurt—and it makes sense that you would feel that way, if your boyfriend hasn’t offered to explore alternative ways of having sex that don’t require you to endure physical discomfort.
From my research, exposure-based methods don’t always provide a permanent solution, and you’d likely have to continue having unprotected sex 2-3 times a week to maintain the results. This might be useful if you’re currently trying to conceive, but if not, I’d suggest your boyfriend make a minor (and arguably less painful) sacrifice for the sake of ensuring mutual comfort and enjoyment in your sex life. Your semen sensitivity is no one’s fault, but your experience matters, and I don’t think you should be sentenced to joyless sex.
To counteract the negative associations you’ve built, I’d recommend experimenting with extended foreplay and non-penetrative sex. We’re conditioned to view penetrative sex as the only “real” sex, but there’s so much more to explore—and unless you’re one of the 18 percent of women who can come from vaginal penetration alone, you might even find this more gratifying.
Love,
Camille
Can real women compete with AI girlfriends?
What would you recommend a single older male in his 40s do if he is more comfortable with porn than with real-life women? It is not necessarily an addiction. It is that porn is super judgment-free. How can real women now compete with AI Bots that this single older male is contemplating on? I am in the US and that is really all I can say about my location.
Sincerely,
Bot or Not
Dear Bot or Not,
Compared to the messiness and vulnerability of real-life relationships, porn and AI bots can be pretty appealing—and I’m not even against people using them, to a point. But their strengths are also their weaknesses, and I suspect that a successful dalliance with a real-life woman will be more memorable and fulfilling for you for the exact same reasons it might scare you.
The risks and vulnerabilities of interpersonal relationships are a huge part of the reward—and while AI might seem like a way to engage more safely with your sexuality, not being judged by a computer isn’t the same thing as being truly accepted and seen by another person.
Most people are more comfortable engaging with porn than with real-life sexual counterparts, so you’re not alone in feeling this way. This isn’t necessarily a problem unless your fear of judgment is keeping you from meaningful connections. If there’s something specific you’re worried about being judged for, feel free to write to me in a follow-up. But if your concerns are more general, I’d be curious about your relationships with women in your life.
If you’re afraid of rejection and not terribly comfortable relating to the opposite sex, deepening your connection with a friend or colleague—in an appropriate way, of course—could be a good way to build social confidence and ease into more intimate relationships.
Good luck!
Camille
The more questions I get, the more often I’ll do this—so submit your questions HERE (the more detail, the better.) It’s anonymous, and if you don’t provide a nickname, one will be assigned for you… It’s just more fun that way!
thanks great advice tony z
great advice dear tony z